The Wanderer

In the desert, show me your fire.
Call my name and draw me near.
All I want is your desire.
.
Who am I that you would require
survival through my deepest fear?
In the desert, show me your fire.
.
Take my sight to something higher
than the pain that makes my path unclear.
All I want is your desire.
.
Will the doubt that comes in the darkest hour
condemn me to wander year after year?
In the desert, show me your fire.
.
Though this life has never felt drier,
you can make me flower here.
All I want is your desire.
.
In the promised land to which I aspire,
your hand wipes away every tear.
In the desert, show me your fire.
All I want is your desire.
………………………………………….
Written as a venture into the villanelle form as featured on One Stop Poetry http://oneshotpoetry.blogspot.com/2011/01/monday-one-stop-poetry-form-villanelle.html
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8 Comments

  1. It’s a brave new world for most of us! Good solid try though!

    Reply
  2. beautiful villanelle!
    some small suggestions: your rhymes are really good – the only rhyme that doesn’t work so good for me is “hour” it should rhyme with fire/higher/drier. i would also suggest some small amending on the meter to make it flow more smoothly. if you want me to go into details, please leave a comment over at one stop. I really like the A1 and A2 refrain – they are strong. thanks for linking up

    Reply
  3. hi karla – back with some suggestions regarding the meter..it’s not that much – but i think you could make it much more fluent by cutting a bit here and there

    i would cut the “than” here or maybe even (than the):
    pain that makes my path unclear.

    doubt that comes in darkest hour
    condemned to wander year by year?

    (Though) “this life has never felt drier” or “this life has not felt drier”

    In promised lands where I aspire,
    your hand is wiping every tear.

    i also stumble about “in the deserts..” in deserts dry would sound smoother
    —–
    here’s a suggestion for the re-write:

    In deserts dry, show me your fire.
    Call my name and draw me near.
    All I want is your desire.
    .
    Who am I, would you require
    survival through my deepest fear?
    In deserts dry, show me your fire.
    .
    Take my sight to something higher
    pain that makes my path unclear.
    All I want is your desire.
    .
    Doubts creeping in my darkest hour
    condemned to wander year by year?
    In deserts dry, show me your fire.
    .
    this life of mine has not felt drier
    you can make me flower here.
    All I want is your desire.
    .
    In promised lands where I aspire,
    your hand is wiping every tear.
    In deserts dry, show me your fire.
    All I want is your desire.

    hope that was helpful? i really like the message of your villanelle. very honest and heartfelt. well done!

    Reply
  4. ‘hour’ woud rhyme OK in my opinion, particularly in an American accent. Claudia’s made some good suggestions on the meter

    Reply
  5. Oh, how the thought you write here echoes my soul’s cry. And always the answer is an overflow … Lovely!

    Reply
  6. Well-written, solid.

    Reply
  7. I like it.

    Reply
  8. i like it too.
    me and booguloo.

    Reply

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